Myopia

I’ve noticed something about myself. It’s something I’ve always done, but it’s gotten worse of late. I just can’t see myself doing anything other than exactly what I’m doing right now. I can’t even imagine the world outside of grad school. When I day dream about getting an agent, it’s feels like my daydreams about winning the lottery.

It’s like I’ve built up this idea that I’ll just get an agent, sign for a contract and suddenly everything in my life will be roses and tea time.

What’s wrong with my brain?

I know it’s fake. Even if I were sitting on a bestselling juggernaut that got signed tomorrow (I’m going with the extremes of my delusions), I’d still be well over 18 months from having my juggernaut on the shelves. So why do I let day dreams slow me down? Even at their greatest, they’re years to fruition. Even if I signed tomorrow, I’d still have to get up every morning (often earlier than I’d like); I’d still have to find a job for when I graduate (if I graduate?); I’d still have a mortgage, a floundering WIP, chores, dinner to make, dog poop to pick up and litter boxes to clean out.

In short, even if my greatest, most wild dreams of success were to come true: my life would be exactly the same tomorrow. The only thing that might change (and only briefly, mind you) is a digital number that represents how much money I have in my account.

I tend to be a dreamer (I’ve always loved imagining myself in fantasy worlds, or what would happen if I were cryogenically stored and revived in the distant future—considering how much SciFi/fantasy I’ve read, I think I’d be well prepared), and my dreams of grandeur have always been farfetched, so I guess that’s where it comes from. For the first time in my life, I’ve realized that if all my dreams came to fruition my life would be exactly the same.

In short, I’ve realized that getting published (or graduating) wouldn’t be like winning the lottery. It would change nothing. I’d just have to go back and write the next one.

I just can’t believe it took me this long to realize something so simple. I really am blind in the face of my dreams. Am I the only idiot with delusions of adequacy?